TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, certain, let us have another put the place American Males can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst past negotiations unsuccessful below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: supply Anyone a suite about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains Trump Tower Damascus "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is delicate electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It really is that he ought to stop applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You understand, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Great tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head noticeable from Place, a element becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "exactly where's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting consideration from Intercontinental buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may even include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have turn-down company."


One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Ideas through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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